Here’s the next in my series of No Regrets Parenting Questions and Answers. These are again excerpted and modified from “Ask the Experts” live media chats I regularly do for Parents magazine, Children’s Hospital of Colorado, 9News, and other media outlets. I hope you find these relevant and helpful for your own parenting. These 3 deal with teaching kids about death, getting siblings through the tough times with an ill child in the home, and tweenage/teenage rebellious attitudes.
Question: I have a preschooler and we recently had a scare with our pet dog. Fortunately she survived, but it got me thinking. When do you introduce the concept of death, and how do you handle it? Are there any good books I should get in case our dog takes another turn for the worse? I realized I am totally unprepared for a conversation we will eventually have to have – as our dog is getting old.
No Regrets Parenting: This is an important issue facing all parents. My recommendation is to take advantage of context, and of your kids’ own curiosity. Context includes tragic events (like the Newtown shootings), an ill pet, a dying grandparent. Answer your kids’ questions about these events in an age-appropriate manner – you know your kids best and what they can best understand. If they don’t ask about death in these contexts, it’s a good time for you to bring up the issue in a gentle way. They may not have heard about Newtown on the news, but certainly know about the dog.
Another reader suggested Disney movies which have a death element (Lion King, Bambi, Nemo) to help get the conversation started.
And yes, there are some great books to help as well. I like “The Fall of Freddie the Leaf” – which appears on both of these wonderful lists.
http://www.parenthood.com/arti…
http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc…
Question: Our 6 week old baby is in the ICU and obviously it has upset our family time. Our 3 year old is being shuffled back and forth from auntie’s house to grandparents’ house to our home but only with one parent at a time. How can we help her from feeling totally alienated right now? Obviously we want to spend time with her but we’re exhausted as well!
No Regrets Parenting: There is no simple answer to the exhaustion and stress of having an ill baby – thank you for being such a devoted parent to both your kids; the efforts you put forth for their well-being and happiness are beyond what many parents of healthy kids could ever imagine having to cope with. I recommend a two-pronged approach. First, teach your 3 year old ways to help your baby – make her a teammate with you and your spouse in caring for the baby. Have her: do art projects to take to the hospital or display in the baby’s nursery for when she gets home; send get well cards (that you deliver); sing a song into a tape player for you to play for the baby. Make your older daughter’s efforts the subject of high praise and positive reinforcement. Bring her with you to the hospital and get special treats in the cafeteria when you can – especially if you can bring a family member along to sit with your 3 y/o while you’re upstairs visiting in the ICU.
Second, ask auntie and grandparents or other family members or friends to take some of your ICU time off your hands so you can spend more time with your 3 y/o. You’ll always be within cell phone contact (and not far from the hospital) in an emergency.
Question: What is the best way to get my children to understand that I am not the enemy. I am only looking out for their best interest, when correcting them or trying to encourage them down the right path. I have two girls 12 and 9. The 12 year old is definitely having the attitude that the typical pre-teen has with the onset of hormones, etc., but it seems that every time we communicate these days, it turns into an argument. Any suggestions?
No Regrets Parenting: Time for a family meeting where you and your kids (and spouse, if applicable) explore with your kids (especially your older one) why she resorts to mean and hurtful statements and behavior. Explain that you understand she may not always agree with you, but you are always willing to hear her thoughts if she’s reasonable and calm in the way she expresses them. Tell her you are still the parents, and must make the rules and tough decisions, but you are always willing to reconsider if she presents a good case in a respectful way. And then do exactly that – show her that, on occasion, you agree with her respectful opinion and are willing to admit you’re wrong – or at least that there are two “rights.” Then, whenever an explosion is about to happen, say, “Whoa, calm down. Let’s talk about this. If you can calmly have that talk with us now, that’s great. If not, let’s defer the discussion to a calmer moment later this evening.” Then sit on the couch after dinner, with a cup of cocoa, and dissect the problem together, calmly. The most important things you can do is Decompress the tense moment, Defer to later, and then Deliver on your promise to revisit the issue. That’s what I call “3D” parenting.
Tell me what you think about these issues by submitting comments on this post or contacting me through the contact page on this blog.
More atwww.noregretsparenting.com